Pure ticketty joy

91-92: Phil “A real person” Jones

In cricket, the British Empire’s best export (other than every single rudiment of civilization that the entire human race can lay claim to including Pyramids, curry and karate), once a batsman passes 89 runs he enters the Nervous Nineties. Less famously, this term is also used by nonagenarians, with bad hips, that live in icy parts of the country.
Meeting Phil made me particularly nervous, not because he asked me to deliver to Slough, but […]

90: Serendipitous Neil

90: Serendipitous Neil

Neil is my dream audience member (sorry other audience members) because he correctly identified every meme on my flyer. A flyer designed to send out coded messages to fellow internet losers that my show was going to be a SAFE PLACE.
They could log off from World of Warcraft, step away from their desks littered with Mountain Dew bottles, crunchy tissues and dreams of making the front page of Reddit, and leave the house for […]

87-89: Stew Snooze

Sadly I forgot to photograph Stewart. The giant of a man, and new Dad, worked with me in a new media skunk works, at my last job. There we looked at the digital futuresand argued about taxonomies. You can’t beat taxonomy chat.
The Midlander speaks Del Boy French when drunk. ‘Bonnet de douche’ to you, Stew.
411 to go.

84-87: Paul Milham

84-87: Paul Milham

Paul Milham got in touch with Comedy Sale after seeing it mentioned on Twitter by the gargantuan, ex-international rugby player, Martin Bayfield.
We met just before I saw ‘Larry Crowne’. My promise to Paul is yhat my show will be far better than that abortion of taste and talent.
413 to go.

82&83: Nasty Nick

Are you a disgusting financier parasite, merrily gorging yourself on the hard earned capital of the worker drone? Then meet my friend, Nick.
Nick helps millionaire money alchemists and virtuoso players of financial instruments move from one overpaid job to the next. This, my friends, is the face of 21st century capitalism as it enters its degenerate kleptocratic phase.
He is also SUPER nice.
Thanks, Nick.
428 to go.

78-81: Louise

78-81: Louise

This is Louise. She works in a charity to promote gender equality – I’m sure she brews excellent tea and rarely makes typos. JK!
After she got her ticket she went to make a pot. Please let me know if you’re reading this as you’re making a pot. It would TOO weird.

74-77: Pash Tash Nigel

74-77: Pash Tash Nigel

Nige, as I like to call him, bought four tickets from me as I stood in the shadows of the Union Chapel. I felt a bit like Christ hanging around Calvary in early January, because I have massive delusions of grandeur. (Was the first Easter late or early? Could people go skiing on that weekend?).
He is a stone mason.
Thanks Nige!*
*You should change ‘l’ in your name to an exclamation mark.

71-73: Dirty Diana

71-73: Dirty Diana

“Class, this is Diana.” “Hi, Diana.” And scene.
Diana bought FOUR tickets today in her serious office full of suitmen. The security suitman almost didn’t even let me in the building. Then I gave him a withering look and now he’s sterile.
Also, Diana is not dirty in the slightest, probably. I called her that because of the song.
Thank you for buying and have a great time in Glasto, D.D..

69 and 70: Mike Seery

69 and 70: Mike Seery

This man is called Mike Seery. He bought tickets number 69 and 70. 4 years ago he was my boss and we tried to build the future together. We didn’t succeed but by God we tried!
I also gave him the idea for the best website ever. Mike is going to try to build it. Fingers crossed, Team.
And lovely to have you on board Mike. Thanks for lunch!

Week 3, June 13-19: Sales Review

Well done Sales Team! This week, we’ve sold 25 tickets. High fives all round. Target achieved! What target? Good question. See, you don’t know but when I spoke to my life coach on Monday, he suggested I set a sales target and I chose 25 tickets. Sorry, I didn’t let you know that earlier, it looks as though I’m plucking numbers out of the air that perfectly match what is happening.
Now, I must admit I’m […]