Comedy Sales

Poacher turned shopkeeper.

Mission to Sainsbury’s: Every Little Helps

I just remembered that if a lady masturbates while looking at herself in the mirror it is called auto-gynophilia.
The key to good writing is just to say the first thing that comes into your tiny brain. NOT.
What I really wanted to talk about was my fun (do I use that word too much?) and exciting (I definitely use that word too much (but so much is exciting!) (I used it again)) trip to Sainsbury’s. What? […]

Bill and Kevin: Awaiting the wife of Bill

One show down. One show awesome.

Just want to say a big ‘Thank you guys, you were all awesome” to everyone who came along last night. It was super fun. I don’t know how much I had to do with that. It was mostly down to the people who rocked up being….super fun.
The day started a little slowly. Much of was spent wandering round contemplating whether ComedySale.Com/Fringe is a good idea, or foolish. There is, now, no doubt in my mind […]

153 : Amy Christie

It’s Saturday morning. Last night I was dropped home at one in the morning by the wunnerfully talented Pippa Evans. We’d been down in Bath making with the funnies. Her headline set blew me, and the audience, away.
I head to Borough Market and sell a ticket to Amy Christie. The surprising thing about Amy is that she is not Dan – the guy I thought I was meeting. I haven’t saved either of their numbers […]

125-126: Flirty Nick

125-126: Flirty Nick

By now, gentle reader, (are there any readers? Pretty sure there aren’t. The blog is, now you mention it, just a selection of photos, with numbers by them, and me trying to be as funny as possible, as quickly as possible, while my mind runs through the 40 million things I need to do for Edinburgh, where, soon, I will stand in front of 30-60 people for one hour and try to entertain them with […]

122-124: To Daniel Bevis (@danielbevis)

122-124: To Daniel Bevis (@danielbevis)

The News of the World has stained the reputation of Britain and the conscience of the world. It’s hard to believe men exist (and most of them were men (probably)) who would delete the voicemails from a dead child’s phone in order to meet a deadline.
Sadly, the hacks will say they were only following orders. Or, worse: “Well everyone else was doing it”. They will blame culture, pressure, anyone but themselves, in a bid to […]

119-121: The lovely Claire, proves I'm sales scum

119-121: The lovely Claire, proves I’m sales scum

Just one post ago I was whining mournfully on my woe-is-me pipe, now – all of a sudden! – I’m cheery and because, ladles and gentlespoons, I made a sale!
Ring the bell! Honk the horn! Sound the gong! Us salesmen are such simple folk: “Degree, lad? I went to the University of Leads!”.
The ticket buyer is, Claire, a lovely friend of my sister Georgina (5 sisters is a good sales generation network). C-Dog is […]

Almost got the century.

96&97: Richard and Georgina

Georgina and Richard own tickets number 96 and 97. Only Richard is pictured because Georgina doesn’t like photos. She hasn’t liked photos since she was little, and I know this because she is my sister. I have five sisters. You should have five sisters. Honestly, I can not recommend it enough.
Firstly, clothes. I can’t share their clothes which is SOMETHING THAT ANNOYS ME EVERY DAY, because, frankly (Can I still be Garthly?) girl’s clothes are […]

Hideous (ugly) criminal.

95: Me Julie, with exciting new pose.

Martin Luther had 95 Theses (but a bitch wasn’t one (though he probably counted the Pope as a bitch, so he did have one bitch)). Anyway, that is totally unimportant. What is important is that ticket number 95 has been flogged to Julie.
Julie is a mate’s girlfriend, but of the good variety. You know sometimes you meet a girlfriend and you’re like “Yeah….erm…please break up”). She’s good news, Team.
Until she rips his heart out and […]

Not pictured: Crocodile boots (made from croc Jack sex-killed)

94: Jack (who is NOT Linda’s son)

This is Jack – proud owner of ticket number 94. Whatever Jack is, and he is many things, he is not coming to see ComedySale.Com with his mother – Oh no! – most certainly not. He purchased no. 94 with his own money that he earns doing a job that pays him a salary (minus tax). The job is probably deep sea welding, or bull fighting, or ice climbing or deep sea ice bull […]

And God created woman in his own image.

93: Linda (who is NOT Jack’s mother)

Linda and I met in front of Wyndham’s Theatre. The air thick with rain yet to fall and muggy with the sort of heat that makes everything stick. Everything stick. Our eyes met, and she gave me this cheeky look that is apparently called: “Japanese Eyebrows”.
Enough if that, I’m somewhat concerned that the last act Linda saw was Russell Howard. Now, I’m not saying you can’t like Russell Howard and Sanderson […]